By: Ophir Bernshtam
Belonging is a core part of the human experience. It means both feeling like we belong and actually belonging. From the moment we’re born, we are connected to something: mother, father, family, home, a framework, religion, city, or country.
Belonging is a fundamental human need – that’s why people form groups to support each other’s survival and growth. Our brain constantly checks whether we belong to our immediate group to stay safe, so we can focus on other things and develop with confidence.
The Fear of Being Different
But what happens when we discover that we’re different?
Whether it’s thinking, feeling, or speaking differently, we start to worry. “They won’t accept me, they’ll reject me from the group, I’ll be ostracized, different, strange, not like everyone else.” These are completely natural feelings and thoughts whose purpose, as we said before, is survival-oriented: to be a functioning part of society and to survive together.
But today, in a world where our basic survival is relatively secure, what truly threatens us is losing our inner sense of belonging. When that feeling is challenged, a person may develop the perception that something within them is broken or flawed. They may feel inferior to others, and this feeling drives them to try to close the gap.
Two Strategies: Compensation or Withdrawal
Such a person will try to compensate by striving for excellence, intensive learning and work, and proving to everyone that they are capable and more successful than expected, more than others. Another person, on the other hand, will begin to withdraw and shrink away.
They’ll avoid standing out or trying new things because they fear failing and exposing their inferiority.
So, compensation or withdrawal are common strategies among all human beings who feel that their worth is less than others’ for one reason or another. And here, it’s important to note that the sense of worth is not anchored in reality itself. It’s a personal, entirely subjective feeling that develops within the person as a result of life experience and ongoing learning.
The Scar Experiment
Here’s an interesting experiment conducted at a US university: they divided students into two groups. In one group, they painted a scar on the face; in the other, they didn’t. They sent them to talk to strangers on the street and rate the experience. They had to write about how they felt the other person perceived them, treated them, and whether they experienced different behavior just because of the scar.
You can probably guess the results: those without the scar reported a fairly neutral, even good, experience. They experienced curiosity and respect from the other side. Those with the scar, on the other hand, reported feelings of skepticism, contempt, prejudice, and a lack of attentiveness.
But here’s another interesting piece of data from this experiment: they took half of the group with the scar to a makeup artist and told them a substance was being added to help set the scar. In reality, the makeup artist completely erased the scar from their face. Now, what do you think they reported about their personal experience of the random conversations? The answer is: exactly the same as those whose scar wasn’t erased.
In effect, their own perception of themselves was sufficient to influence their experience during interactions with others.
What This Means for People Who Stutter
An individual who stutters experiences numerous instances of feeling alienated throughout their lifetime, sometimes even feeling disconnected from their environment. This is not a matter to be taken lightly; these incidents constitute genuine and profoundly distressing psychological scars. The perception of self-worth and belonging is jeopardized, which subsequently renders the effort to conceal the stutter a rational endeavor aimed at safeguarding self-esteem.
But does it work? First, does the person hide the stutter? Second, if successful, do they feel worthy and equal?
Mostly, the answer is: no. It doesn’t really work. It even reinforces the feeling of being an outsider because now I have to be very careful not to reveal parts of myself that might get me ostracized from the group. That alone lowers my sense of belonging and confidence in the world, and doesn’t truly boost my self-worth. And from here, just like in the scar experiment, every conversation I have with another person is already influenced by a personal experience of rejection that isn’t always actually there.
Showing Up & Speaking Is Already an Act of Belonging
For those navigating a stutter, simply choosing to speak up in daily life requires great courage and resourcefulness. Everyday communication, whether participating in a meeting, making a phone call, or talking to a stranger, is often a major source of stress, and doing so while stuttering adds a significant layer of difficulty.
What matters in these daily interactions is shifting the focus away from a demand for perfect fluency. More often than not, everyday listeners do not analyze or evaluate the mechanics of speech. What truly counts is the willingness to engage and share one’s voice, prioritizing connection and message over flawless delivery.
The Courage to Speak
It is worth being honest that these speaking moments are genuinely stressful – not an easy task. Tension, pressure, and anxiety are natural parts of the experience.
To implement this in real life, a practical approach is to consciously take up space in conversations. This means moving through interactions one breath and one sentence at a time, rather than rushing to finish out of fear of keeping others waiting. In the end, belonging isn’t something to earn by performing perfectly or speaking without hesitation. It is already there, waiting to be claimed – just as you are.
Paving Your Path to Belonging with Novotalk
Claiming your place in conversations is a journey, and you don’t have to walk it alone. This is exactly why our program at Novotalk is designed to do more than teach speech techniques – it is built to help you rebuild your confidence and reclaim your sense of belonging.
Through our unique platform, you work alongside a clinician to learn physiological and behavioral techniques that relieve speech tension, with 24/7 access to an advanced, on-demand practice and communication system. By providing immediate, real-time feedback, Novotalk helps you step by step as you practice taking up space, pacing your breath, and speaking with ease.
Our goal is to help you reduce the anxiety of everyday interactions so you can stop hiding your voice and start connecting authentically. We walk with you every step of the way, helping you build a relaxed speech pattern so you can confidently step into any room and know that you belong.
Want to hear more about how our program can help you speak with confidence and reclaim your sense of belonging?
>> Click here to connect with us and get more information about our program!
We are here for you,
The Novotalk Team